Disclaimer: This isn’t a post about how you should do things that you really don’t want to. If something is on your no list, don’t do it. If you’re not in a mental headspace to engage in play with your partner, don’t do it. But if you’re both on the couch and you’re thinking about ice cream when they do that little wink thing and nod towards the bedroom, even if you’re not feeling it, it could be worth it to muster the energy for a few moments until you do get into it.
I’ve talked before about how my less-than-positive relationships have resulted in me doing things I didn’t want to do for the sake of the relationship. Having sex when I didn’t want to, having sex to keep the peace, or having sex because I was afraid that if I didn’t, they would leave. Especially because they threatened to. Which, by the way, is a manipulative tactic used by less than stellar folks in order to exert control over someone. If you see this, it’s a red flag and needs to be addressed immediately. But once out of those relationships, my views on sex started to shift a little.
Once I discovered responsive desire, things changed in my brain. I’m pretty sure I’ve waxed poetic at length about Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You are. I yell to lots of people about it. It’s really good. You should read it.
At any rate, it was this book that introduced me to the concept of brakes and accelerators, to spontaneous desire and responsive desire. And honestly, truthfully, it completely revolutionized the way I frame sexual desire for myself and my partners. It’s helped me understand that it’s not that my sex drive doesn’t exist, it’s just that it takes a little coaxing. It’s not that I have a hard time getting into sex, it’s that I have a hard time turning off the life things that pump my brakes like work, laundry, errands, family obligations… anything that distracts me.
You know that saying that “men are a microwave and women are an oven”? It’s gendered and old, but there is a kernel of truth there. Some folks are instantly raring to go, others need a bit of… preheating. (Seriously, read this book.) Some people have really sensitive accelerators, meaning the slightest thing can get them raring to go. Others, like me, have really sensitive brakes, so anything distracting will keep them from getting in the mood. It’s not that our accelerators are broken, they’re just not quite as strong as our brakes.
Once I recognized that that’s what happens to me, I was better able to communicate with my partner about what I need and how I react. Just the other morning, he was in the mood for some play, and I wasn’t. But I thought, you know what, what the hell. Maybe I’ll get into it. And ding ding ding, about fifteen seconds in, I was VERY into it.
The thing about responsive desire is that sometimes it feels bad. It feels bad to feel like you don’t actively want your partner (even though intellectually you know you do), and it feels bad to have to communicate that sometimes. Sometimes your partner takes it the wrong way, and sees it as simple coercion. If you’re with someone who has a very spontaneous desire, this could absolutely be a point of contention.
But sometimes it’s worth having the conversation about spontaneous desire. Your partner can better understand what you need to get into that space, and talking about it can also help you flesh out what you need and want from any given sexual experience.
And of course, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. You never have to. You can always say no, or change your mind. But if you’re like me and have sensitive brakes and responsive desire, the next time you’re on the couch and your partner does their funny little wink, consider faking it. Just for a moment. After that, you probably won’t be faking it anymore.