Well. A lot has happened over the last few days on the Twitter timeline.
In these kinds of situations, I have to do a lot of self-evaluation on whether or not my voice is warranted. I’m a white, cis, femme, financially privileged woman. My voice isn’t the priority in a lot of spaces. But I think I do need to say a few things on this one, particularly around what I’m going to do to help the community moving forward.
Tantus
This was a catalyst for many things, and honestly this fuckup didn’t need to be as astronomical as it turned out to be. They’ve long had a history of gross, overly familiar ads. It’s not great, but not a reason for me to stop buying the products. But it continued to balloon with their blatant ignoring of critical tweets, while retweeting and replying to praise. Not a good look. But again, not necessarily something to boycott the product over. Then they deleted the offending ad, only to repost… and repost… and repost.
And it continued. Well, not so much continued as I was made aware of some serious shenanigans. Shenanigans is actually too kind of a word; gaslighting is never okay. Promising that things will be clarified and then letting it slide under the rug is never okay. These are the things that would definitely warrant not purchasing products and pulling out of affiliate programs. (Thanks to @ChronicSexChat for revisiting the topics and threading on Twitter.)
There are a lot of internal issues going on at Tantus as well, as evidenced by their social media handlings. That only makes me more concerned about the internal happenings over there… is it a toxic environment? Are they not treating employees well?
Metis also locked her Twitter account on September 4th, presumably so as to avoid the criticisms. Probably smart considering she’s directly contradicting the advice and praise she gave in 2016. So with all of this in mind, no, I won’t be purchasing Tantus products anymore.
Woodhull
The sex conference I’ve written about before has historically had problems with accessibility, especially for those with chemical sensitivities. It’s not always accessible to those with physical disabilities as well. Some of this is on the conference, some of it is on the hotels, unfortunately. There was an issue with scholarships this year, though I’m not in the loop on that one and don’t know exactly what happened.
But a lot of it was preventable. Ableism. Accessibility. Racism.
And yet it continues.
Was this year my last year at Woodhull? I don’t know. I still think we can affect change there. I think that audience is more receptive to criticism than… well, than Tantus. But maybe that’s naive.
Working with companies and conferences should be an evolving relationship. Many things influence my decision to work with or avoid certain companies, and those things change over time. We should revisit our connections from time to time.
On Speaking Out
All this flurry of activity sparked another, larger line of conversation: who is speaking out on important issues versus who should be speaking out, but isn’t.
Who is speaking out? Typically, it’s the same circle of people. While it isn’t a bad thing to have consistent, organized, authoritative voices, it does need to include more people and expand. It’s true that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, but only a few squeaky wheels in an entire industry will inevitably be drowned out.
So, who should be speaking up?
Quite frankly, I believe it should only be the people who choose to. There seems to be a fair bit of guilt going around, of which I’m decidedly not here for. It’s not for anyone else to decide who should or shouldn’t be vocal about these issues.
Would it be more effective if “heavy hitters” of the industry spoke up and could loan their clout to the cause? Yes.
Would it be nice if everyone was aware of every company’s and conference’s fuckups and called for change? Yes.
Is this realistic? Not in the slightest.
The thing is, we’re not always aware of the personal lives of the people in our community. People get sick. People get tired. People get depressed, or have to focus on another job, or take a break from the internet, or go on vacation. I don’t believe that any individual has an obligation to speak out. If they’re a public figure, like the head of a company or hold public office or something, yes, the public should pressure for a response. But individuals are another story.
It’s okay to be disappointed that your favorite person isn’t speaking out on issues. Or angry that there’s not a larger conversation, or whatever the case may be. Anger, frustration, disappointment are all perfectly valid responses to an issue not getting the visibility it deserves.
Obviously this is case-by-case, but broadly, what’s not okay is guilting people into conversations if they weren’t direct contributors to the problem. We don’t have an intimate knowledge of everyone’s lives, and therefore can’t fairly judge when they can or can’t be involved in the conversation.
I think it’s also important to recognize that not everyone has the energy to be angry about multiple things at once. Any spoonie will tell you that you have to conserve your spoons, and concentrate on the most important things for that moment, and let the other things wait on the backburner for a little while. And that shouldn’t be something that draws ire, especially in a community with so many discussions of disabilities, mental illness, and chronic illness. There are so many things happening right now: Nike, Nestle, Kavanaugh, prison strikes, natural disasters, the Catholic church, FOSTA/SESTA, Roe v. Wade, the entire White House. It’s unrealistic to expect yourself, or anyone else, to be well-versed on all these issues.
People aren’t black and white, and our judgements of them can’t be either.
So, what am I doing about it?
I’m taking this opportunity to disconnect from the way I feel– personally– about individual folks, and take a step back to focus on the broader, more relevant picture. Regardless of cliques or alliances or whatever, there are larger issues that need attention outside of those group dynamics.
Honestly, I haven’t always been involved in conversations, and for that, I do feel guilty. I feel guilty that my knee-jerk reaction is to scroll past and think, “I can’t get involved because people will be mad and I’ll say the wrong thing and offend someone”. Getting out of my comfort zone of just retweeting other, more eloquent people, is something I need to work on moving forward. More of my own thoughts, less parroting others.
I’m also incredibly privileged. I need to take advantage of this and boost the voices of more marginalized folks. To do this, I’ll be starting up my paid guest blogging again, prioritizing marginalized folks, particularly non-men of color. (If you’re interested in contributing, let me know and we’ll chat.) My voice isn’t always welcome or needed. Time to elevate others.
Moving Forward
This will always happen. People will always fuck up, and communities will always be upset and fractured and angry. I don’t think the goal should be a complete resolution, I think the goal should be an increased awareness and accountability, but also compassion and understanding for our fellow community members.
Does that mean we shouldn’t hold people to a high standard and call out fuckups? Absolutely not, but it does mean understanding that if someone isn’t commenting, they likely have a valid reason not to. It’s recognizing that these are sensitive issues, and many people will have quick reactions because they touch raw nerves. It’s hearing people say that they’re tired of fighting for the same things that aren’t seen, and offering what help you can.
Follow more people. Listen to marginalized folks. Speak up on issues you care about. Check in on people and ask if you can lend a hand. Do what you can, and be as kind as you can.
Posts like these are always more likely to draw criticism, but I really felt like I needed to write about this. If you’d like to have a one-on-one conversation, I’m happy to do that either via my contact form or Twitter DMs.