Note: I do a lot of generalizing in this piece. The problem of violence towards cisgender women is most frequently committed by cisgender men, and introducing racial and trans identities would make this a novel rather than an article. I speak in heterocentric, cis-centric language in this piece not to minimize the validity of marginalized groups or uncommon experiences, but to paint a broad strokes image of the current state of our society. Note as well that there is a brief mention of “corrective” rape.
What do Super Bowl commercials and breastfeeding have in common? Rampant sexualization, of course!
There’s so much of it that it’s easy to not even notice that we live in an incredibly sexualized culture. Women are frequently used as props in advertising campaigns, and even basic things like feeding babies have become hot-button issues.
Asexuality, which is a commonly misunderstood sexual orientation, is the lack of sexual attraction to others… and it profoundly conflicts with our deep-seated need to sexualize people. It’s different from the lack of romantic attraction, known as aromanticism, and has nothing to do with celibacy or sexual trauma. It doesn’t mean someone never has or never will have sex, although that can certainly be the case. It just means they don’t experience sexual attraction to other people. This is bewildering and alarming to many people.
Men, in particular, tend to feel the most alarm, which manifests in dangerous ways. It’s no secret that men feel entitled to sex with women. The incel (involuntary celibate) community on Reddit, in particular, is full of men who are immersed in a paradoxical hatred towards women. It’s a destructive mix of emotions: resentment that women don’t find them attractive, compounded with an incredible sense of entitlement that these same women should be, and aren’t, tripping over themselves to get into bed with demeaning men. This makes for angry, disconnected, deadly men.
And most times, these crimes aren’t just about the individual women, but an illustration of a toxic anger that has settled over the male experience. The underlying rage it took for a 34-year-old man to not only murder but mutilate his girlfriend simply for rejecting his marriage proposal is nothing short of terrifying. This violence isn’t just relevant for asexual folks or others in the LGBT+ community. It’s indicative of a larger issue about the entitlement to exert control over others’ bodies and lives, especially those that are misunderstood. Anyone who deviates from the norm is in danger.
My asexuality became dangerous while trying to navigate my first adult relationship. One of the first few people I came out to was my then-partner, and after his first reaction of dismissing me entirely, he became angry. He said I had lied, that it was akin to cheating. It was the only time in our relationship that I was afraid he would hit me.
This anger from men became an alarmingly common theme. When I was single, I struggled with disclosing in the early stages of meeting someone. It was a dealbreaker for a lot of men, and I didn’t want to waste their time, but I also didn’t know these men well. I didn’t have the confidence that they wouldn’t attack me, personally or physically, for a perceived challenge of their masculinity. Women are taught from an early age to manage the egos of the men in their lives, from fathers and husbands to coworkers and bosses. We are to keep the peace and avoid rocking the boat. Asexuality disrupts that. Saying that you aren’t sexually attracted to anyone becomes a personal slight. It reinforces fears that they aren’t desirable, undermines the self-worth of a self-conscious man, and ultimately challenges his status and power in society. As a woman, this is a risky thing to do.
Asexuality has complicated my relationships. It has driven me away from partners and alienated me from friends. As a sex writer, I’m on the fringes as well, since I can’t really relate with my allosexual peers. I’ve been lucky in that I haven’t experienced assault directly related to my orientation, but it still brings a distance to my relationships that I haven’t asked for and don’t want. As I work to try and untangle the influence society has had on my psyche, I catch myself trying to compensate for my orientation with my skills and personality since my partner has to deal with the “burden” of my asexuality.
Moving society forward will be an arduous process with inevitable setbacks. But families will learn that a person’s coming out as asexual is not about the family and that asexuality is certainly not a personal failing for either the asexual person or their parental figures. More of the public will understand that the rights and safety of marginalized groups are more important than the comfort of groups in power. This will make it easier to come out as asexual or otherwise, and as we stop valuing people based on their sexual presence and prowess, asexual people can stop feeling like they’re depriving partners. We can stop feeling broken, or like something is wrong with us.
But we need men to help lead this change, in part because they’re often the aggressors in a sexual conflict, but also because we still live in a misogynistic society that values the voices of men above those of women and non-binary folks. I believe change starts when boys are young, ideally at home. But how do we teach humans to care about one another if it’s not innate or learned from families? If given the right tools, resources, and funding, teachers could create robust lesson plans that not only teach important interpersonal skills but also bolster critical thinking and analysis. We can start teaching boys how to be emotionally available, we can encourage active listening, and boys can learn how to understand the myriad of emotions of which humans are capable. We could teach our boys to not only be more engaged in relationships but also to practice their own introspection and personal growth.
The more difficult bit will be dismantling the societal messages that enable, and actively encourage, men to feel threatened by rejection. Most children learn empathy while growing up, but we need to remedy the issue of the men who are already grown, already integrated into society, and already in danger of committing violent acts against those who challenge them. Men need to be accountable for themselves and committed to calling out their friends as well. As a society, we need to learn that sexual attraction, sex in general, isn’t necessary to have meaningful, fulfilling relationships. This means more media that don’t have a love story, more discussions that don’t start with questions about dating, and– perhaps most importantly– learning to value ourselves not on sexuality but on thoughtfully cultivated personal integrity.
Deconstructing the priority that society places on sex is beneficial for everyone, regardless of orientation– asexual or otherwise. For additional asexuality resources, AVEN and Asexual Outreach are great places to start to further your understanding of asexuality and aromanticism.