Hello, lovely reader! I’m Dr. Liz Powell, the psychologist, author, and speaker behind DrLizPowell.com and one-half of UnfuckYourPolyamory.com. I believe that Great Sex Can Change the World and I’m writing this guest post to help you have better dates/sex/whatever with the non-binary people in your life.
However, I don’t want to be all straightforward about it. It’s year 3587 of this pandemic, and I’m on an adrenaline-fueled sprint to the start of my vacation, so I want to help you laugh with me and my fellow non-binary humans. In the vein of one of my all-time favorite movies to watch when I want a cheesy rom-com (How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days), I’d love to offer YOU my guide to what NOT to do when you date a non-binary person. It’s like a How-To in reverse!
(Will there be things you should do instead? Yeah, totally, but let me have my moment walking in Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey’s shoes!)
1) Treat them like a cisgender person
There’s nothing that makes me want to walk away from someone quite as much as when that person makes it clear that, to them, I’m basically a woman. This can include using terms for me that we haven’t talked about (e.g. lady, woman, girl), expecting me to follow normative “woman” scripts in our interactions, or assuming I’ll do things like clean/cook/listen to their problems endlessly without any expectation of reciprocation. Do cisgender men do this more than people of other binary genders? Probably some, but trust me when I say it’s happened with folks who aren’t cis men too.
Non-binary people aren’t just “(wo)man-light” – we’re a whole array of genders from no gender to all the gender, from clear cut to messy and queered. Our gender affects how we date and want to be dated. So when you date someone who’s non-binary, it’s helpful to remind yourself that they aren’t just a slightly different version of a cisgender person – they’re something else entirely!
2) Make lots of assumptions
I love it when someone treats me as though they know everything about me without asking! There’s nothing quite like having someone show no interest in getting to know the particularities of you as a person and showing no humility about their own ability to read and understand other people. It’s great when someone acts like they already know about my gender, my desires, what language I like, and how I want to move through relating with them.
Wait, no, I hate those things.
Do you remember in the last item when I said that non-binary folks are a whole array of things? That means that even if you know one non-binary person really well, you don’t necessarily know anything about another non-binary person! Just like with folks who have a binary gender, someone’s gender tells you *some* things about them, not *all* things. And while some assumptions are less likely to cause issues with cisgender folks, it’s generally a good practice to check in with any partner about who they are, what they like, what language they prefer, etc. Some non-binary people also approach sex differently, so ask lots of questions about what makes sex good for them and what they enjoy.
3) Force their gender to fit into your ideas about your sexual orientation
I had a partner once who told me that they really struggled with the parts of me that aren’t strictly “woman.” This person identified as someone only attracted to women, and so they needed me to be a woman, and only a woman, in order to not have to ask themselves questions about why they were so into someone who isn’t a woman (and is? And isn’t?). The feeling of being told to cut myself into the shape of “woman” to fit their understanding of their own sexual orientation was a very particular one.
If you’re someone who identifies as a monosexual (e.g. straight, gay, lesbian) and you’re dating a non-binary person, it might cause you to feel some discomfort about any possible conflict between your self-understood sexual orientation and the reality of your attraction to/relationship with a person who isn’t that single gender you thought you were into exclusively. That’s okay! Discomfort is often a sign of growth. The labels we use for sexual orientation are messy and best used descriptively rather than prescriptively. If you think of yourself as straight, for instance, and you find yourself dating someone who’s non-binary, there isn’t a straight police brigade who’s going to come through and revoke your straight card. You can still identify as straight! You just might want to think about what specifically about straightness (or gay-ness, or lesbian-ness) you’re identifying with. Does that label still fit you? Is your sexuality more nuanced than you previously thought?
It’s not the non-binary person’s fault that you’re into them. And if you’re into a non-binary person, you may not be as monosexual as you thought or this person may be an exception for you. Regardless, trying to get the non-binary person to fit with your sexual orientation and be less non-binary is a crappy thing to do. Choose the discomfort and growth instead!
4) Use the pronouns *you* want to use for them
When you first saw the non-binary person, your brain used a “she” for them because they were wearing a dress and makeup. So who cares what pronouns they choose for themself, just use the ones your brain filled in before knowing them! After all, your brain is WAY better at picking pronouns for someone than they are at picking their own. It’s so much less complicated to just follow that first guess your brain made!
Yeah, so, brains are not these magical perfect logic and reason machines that we want them to do. They’re full of messy garbage and shortcuts that lead to all kinds of problems. A lot of the guesses our brain makes about pronouns come from the messages we learned when we were young about what a “man” or “woman” looks like and, frankly, those lessons are WAY outdated. Women can be doctors and lawyers and maybe even presidents one day! Men can be stay-at-home parents and nurses and secretaries! Non-binary people can dress and look in a way that seems like a binary gender, or they might be doing something that your brain can’t quite figure out, but unless you’ve chosen to do work on re-programming your brain, it’s going to pick a “he” or “she” for people based on the outdated garbage you learned.
You cannot tell anyone’s pronouns for certain by looking at them. No, not that person. Not that one either. It may be true that the majority of humans are cisgender, however, that doesn’t mean that any specific person you’re looking at is cisgender. So practice reminding yourself that you don’t know someone’s pronouns until you ask them or they tell you. And when someone tells you their pronouns, use those ones.
5) Expect them to be your only education about non-binary gender
As a therapist and sex educator, it’s really a turn-on for me when I feel like I have to *work* in my relationships. I love being a free therapist, free tutor, and educator extraordinaire to the person I want to be vulnerable and sexy with. It’s especially fun to have to educate someone about who I am, how they can be less shitty to me, and why it matters.
Look – do you want to have to justify your existence to your partners? No? Neither do I.
We live in an age where there is ENDLESS information available to you all the time. You can jump on Google and find dozens of amazing resources about what it means to be non-binary or about the history of non-binary identities (spoiler alert: non-binary identities are really really old and were largely erased by white European Christian colonialism). If you don’t know about something that your partner is telling you about themselves, it’s one thing to ask them to talk to you about their personal experience and another to ask them to educate you about that identity in general. “What does being non-binary mean for you?” or “What should I be aware of when dating you to be sure I’m affirming your gender?” are very different questions to receive than “What’s non-binary mean?” or “Isn’t that a new trendy thing?” or “But you’re basically a woman, right?”
If you want to know general information, look it up! If you want to know about your partner, be sure to have done some general research first and then be very mindful about how you ask.
6) Question the validity of their gender
Look, I get it, being non-binary is a trendy new fad designed to rob women of their sex-based rights. It’s basically genocide. It’s what a bunch of young people are doing because they want attention and because it’s cool. Everyone knows there are only men and women, XX or XY. That’s it.
I hate love to break it to you that even biological sex isn’t a simple clean-cut two categories, so why would gender be? Also, being non-binary because it’s trendy would mean volunteering for all kinds of abuse and marginalization and trauma so that the benefit you get is . . . more angry people yelling at you and trying to take away your rights? Why would anyone do that for fun?
Gender is messy and complicated. The idea of what it is to be a man or a woman has changed immensely over time. Furthermore, these two categories have never been structured in such a way that they would actually include everyone in one box or the other. Some of us are just messier than a two-category system can account for, and that’s BEAUTIFUL!
The only person who knows their gender is that person. Whatever they are telling you is their truth, and it’s the only truth that matters. So listen, and support them, no matter where they are in their journey. Is identifying as non-binary a phase for some folks? Sure! And I’m still glad they were able to access that identity as part of their own journey.
7) Use your grade school grammar lessons to teach them about their use of “they” as a singular pronoun
I was at a dinner party once where the host lectured me about how he learned in school that “they” is always plural so it makes no sense for anyone to use it as a singular pronoun. In case you don’t already know – I use they/them pronouns myself. So, that was certainly a fun time.
First of all, the host was wrong. Singular “they” is actually older in English usage than singular “you,” so unless you’re still using “thou” I just don’t want to hear it. More importantly, though, WHO FUCKING CARES. Even if folks just started using singular “they” last year, why does it matter? When I weigh the people who feel helped and supported by having they/them pronouns as an option against the petty, small squabbles over grade-school grammar, I just cannot muster any shred of energy to care about what your third-grade teacher told you. You weren’t old enough to understand the complexity, so take a breath and stop being a jerk.
8) When you mess something up, apologize A LOT
There’s nothing quite like when, right after misgendering me, someone begins apologizing profusely for several minutes, being sure to include that they feel AWFUL and OMG THEY NEVER DO THAT and they are such good ALLIES and they are TRYING and they are SO SO SORRY SO SORRY I’M SO SORRY. I love it because then the situation shifts from me correcting them on something that hurt me to one where I have to make them feel better for having hurt me.
Imagine if you were hanging out with a friend and they accidentally stepped on your foot. You say “ow!” and they look at you and then spend the next 15 minutes apologizing to you about it and crying a little because they’re not the kind of person who hurts people, they’re a good person, who is trying, and they’re SO SORRY. Would that be annoying? Would you want them to just fucking stop?
Yeah, that’s how it is. When you mess up, you hurt me, so I don’t want to have to comfort you and assuage your feelings about messing up. Instead, correct yourself and thank the person for either correcting you or for being understanding. If you’re going to apologize, make it quick and move along. However, our social contract means that a lot of folks feel an obligation to say “it’s fine” or “no problem” or something similar when you apologize to them, and that can suck sometimes. So be aware of when you’re apologizing and see if there’s a way to move forward that doesn’t obligate the non-binary person to make you feel better about messing up.
9) Question their choices of clothing/makeup/jewelry
We all know that androgyny is the only way to “look” non-binary. You must be thin, have a small chest, and wear shapeless grey garments. You can wear nail polish or makeup that is flamboyant if you’re AMAB, if you’re AFAB you can only wear them if they emphasize your non-binary-ness. Jewelry needs to signify your androgyny. Move to the middle! Only the middle! No shape, only grey!
Not every non-binary person is androgynous. Androgyny isn’t even a peak or quintessential non-binary thing – plenty of cisgender and transgender binary folks choose androgynous presentations. Whatever your non-binary date-mate wants to wear is non-binary because they’re wearing it. Those are the rules, I don’t get to change them. Are you non-binary and wearing makeup? It’s non-binary makeup. The jewelry a non-binary person wears? It’s non-binary jewelry. Clothing doesn’t have any gender, and it only has a sex if you’re operating it with your genitals, so all clothing is gender-inclusive and therefore non-binary. Sorry binary gender folks, you’re already dressing in non-binary clothes!
In all seriousness, though, appearance and presentation can be really challenging for non-binary folks, so the last thing we need from someone we’re dating is for them to try to force us into any kind of box or to question our choices. Affirm and support the heck out of the non-binary person instead!
10) Tell them what medical interventions they should avoid or do
As an AFAB, disabled, non-binary person, there’s nothing I love quite so much as other people telling me what to do with my body. After all, as the saying goes, my body, your choice! If the person I’m dating is worried about whether I might get more body hair from taking testosterone, it definitely is awesome to hear that when I’m already agonizing over how I feel about doing low-dose HRT.
As I’m sure you can tell, I am not at all open to having someone else tell me what’s right for my body. Even my medical and behavioral health providers are less of an expert on my body and my life than I am. Non-binary people may choose to do hormones, surgery, change their name, any number of things or they may never do any of them. All of those choices are completely valid! If you don’t know how you would feel if your partner’s body or voice changed, it would be helpful for you to process that with someone (e.g. a therapist or really savvy friend) else before talking to the non-binary person you’re with. Why? Well, you’re likely to be . . . messy the first time you try to talk about these concerns and if you haven’t done some pre-processing, your non-binary partner will receive the bludgeoning impact of that mess. When someone tells me “But couldn’t that make you, like, hairy? I don’t know how I feel about that” what happens in me is a huge wave of dysphoria and shame and judgment and uncertainty. It’s HARD to figure out what to do with your body, and even harder when the people you most want to see you and support you are saying they’re worried you’re going to be gross and unattractive now. So, even after you’ve pre-processed, be sure to check in with your non-binary partner about having these kinds of conversations so they can opt out if needed or find another time where they’re more able to have them.
In closing, non-binary people aren’t just diet-cisgender, we’re valid, complex, unique, lovable individuals. If you just follow the advice in here and avoid the big mistakes, you’ll already be leaps and bounds ahead of a LOT of people out there on the dating scene. And who wouldn’t want to date a person who is courageous and determined enough to fight against the gender binary? Folks like me can help enrich your life and help you to expand and explore your own understanding of gender and sex too!
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