Sometimes, even bad pizza is good pizza. Bad, greasy, inauthentic Chinese takeout is just what you’re craving. Trashy TV is the only thing that will make a bad day suck a little less. But sometimes, bad stuff is just… bad. And unfortunately, that’s how I feel about the MysteryVibe Crescendo.
This thing comes in a beautiful box. It comes with a luxe carrying case that holds the toy and everything needed to wirelessly charge it. It offers a ton of variety, from the six different motors and accompanying patterns to the bendability of the thing.
I almost feel bad for not loving the Crescendo.
I feel worse because it has promise! It really does. It’s a cool idea: have a bunch of different motors in a waterproof, posable toy and use an app to control everything. It’s just not executed that well. The app isn’t super intuitive, the wireless charging is finicky as all hell, and the motors are annoyingly buzzy.
Initially I was looking forward to trying this toy because I wanted to be able to bend that sucker into exactly the right curve for my g-spot. Well, that didn’t work. Too flat, not firm enough, the pressure I like bent it out of place again.
Okay, take two: let me try and use this thing for my a-spot! Er… not quite. Not firm enough, and not smooth enough to glide over my a-spot. Not round enough either, so it feels like a tongue depressor in my vagina.
Alright, one more idea… let’s bend it into a U shape and see if I can combine some buzzing at my g-spot with some buzzing at my clit. Nope. No dice. It doesn’t bend enough, and if it did, the vibrations are too buzzy at my clit to get me off.
Now, here’s the thing. If you’re a very different vulva-owner than me, you might like this. If you’re not particularly discerning about buzzy versus rumbly vibrations, if you don’t actually like a lot of pressure on your g-spot, or if you’re okay with paying $180 for a lackluster toy.
There are some good things I can say about this toy that I can’t say for all toys. The app is actually really helpful in navigating all the different patterns. You’ll really need it in order to stay oriented. You can change the order of the patterns, add more, take some away, even customize your own. If you really like vibrations, that’s kinda nice! The materials are body safe and it’s fully waterproof. The wireless charging is pretty neat.
I do wish it came in more colors. Right now it comes in turquoise and that seemly ubiquitous sex toy purple. It will take you a few tries to get the pairing to work on the app, and a few more tries to get the wireless charging to work. (Tip: read the instructions, you’ll actually need them.) Oh, and the wings! These strange little wings. The only thing I can work out is that maybe they’re for clitoral stimulation (ow) or to kinda, like, hook it around a penis. Logistically, that doesn’t really work. But… nice thought?
It was a valiant effort, MysteryVibe. It just didn’t work for me.
Thanks to LUVOQA for sending me this toy in exchange for my honest review. You can snag the Crescendo through MysteryVibe’s website, or LUVOQA. Affiliate links have been used in this post. If you want to support my work, consider shopping through those links!