In passing last week on Twitter, I mentioned that my fiance and I have weekly check-ins. This lead to questions about what’s entailed, and I thought that the process deserved a little more elaboration than I could fit in a thread of tweets. So, here’s a whole post about the five questions we use to make our relationship better every week.
I find it’s immensely helpful to have a designated time every week to talk about the state of your relationship, and for us, it’s Tuesday nights. This makes it a lot less scary than when you get a “we need to talk” text in the middle of the day out of the blue. I’ve heard sometimes that these questions can be difficult and bring up hard things that might lead to disagreements (or even full on screaming matches, according to one friend) and it can be exhausting to do that every week. In these cases, it might be better to default to every other week at first. But find out what works for you and your partner/s, as long as it’s consistent. These questions have lead to really productive, helpful conversations for us and have gotten us through some unpleasant patches.
Question 1: What did I do last week that made you feel loved and appreciated?
I love the open-endedness of this one. Tell your partner what they did well. Whether it was something as simple as remembering to unload the dishwasher before you got home, or something larger like arranging a family dinner with parents/siblings/friends/metamours. Don’t be afraid to list more than one thing! Not only does it allow a space for some recognition for your partner, but it also forces you to look back at the week and remember good things, which is especially helpful if you’re going through a bit of a rough patch. Be sure to say thank you!
Question 2: What can I do next week to make you feel loved and appreciated?
I try and keep this to just one or two items so my partner doesn’t feel overwhelmed, or like I’m throwing a list in his face of everything he’s not doing. Be sure to keep it accessible, like asking for them to arrange a simple date night that weekend, or send you a love note as a surprise at some point during the week. Don’t ask for whole personality overhauls here, and make sure it’s something tangible.
Question 3: In the upcoming week, are you going to need more time together, or more space for yourself?
My partner and I are both hardcore introverts, and frequently need time to ourselves. This question was borne of my need to be able to ask for space alone when we were first dating, and it’s become a really helpful one to keep in the rotation. If you’re having an emotionally taxing week and would like more support, ask for it here! If you need time to rest and recharge without your partner, this is a great spot to ask.
Sometimes you’ll need space and your partner will need time together. When this happens, I find it helpful to have designated days when you’ll do something with your partner, and other days where you’re guaranteed a bit of a respite.
Question 4: How do you feel about our sex life right now?
This question is endlessly helpful for me as an asexual person in a romantic relationship with an allosexual person. I don’t always have a bead on what he needs, and this is a great space for him to say “hey, I’d like to be having a little more sex than we are right now”, or for me to mention “I got a new toy and I’d love to try it out this week with you”. You can definitely ask for different flavors of sex here too, not just an amount.
I’ll take this opportunity to plug the idea of a sex spreadsheet, too. Sometimes it’s hard to know what “more” or “less” means when you don’t really know how many times per week you’re getting it on! Initially, we agreed that three times a week was good, but when we met that goal, we decided we might actually need a little more. Some people see it as a pain, and you don’t have to be as detailed as I am with mine. You can just mark it on the calendar to look back on later.
Question 5: Is there anything else you want to talk about?
Have a fight a couple days ago and need to circle back on something now that you’ve cooled off? Talk about it here. Want to talk about your social plans for the upcoming week? Now’s a good time. This question allows for a wide range of topics. This is frequently where my beau and I will talk about the household budget, do anything that needs to be done together (like buying plane tickets for our engagement party in July), or revisit the distribution of household chores. Anything that’s adulty and not something that typically comes up in the course of a week.
I definitely recommend a weekly check-in for every kind of relationship: brand new, well-established, monogamous, polyamorous, whatever floats your boats. Of course, you can add or adjust questions as needed to suit your individual relationships. I’d love to hear about what you add or change either in the comments or on Twitter!