Is This the Way Kink is Supposed to Work?

I’m bent over the bed, elbows and face on the pillow, pulling at the rope around my wrists. I can feel the cane resting on my skin, right before he pulls it away and brings it down hard again. I cry out loudly, and then immediately relax, my breath pushing out of my chest harder than I intended. That’s definitely going to leave a mark.

Getting hit doesn’t do anything for me. Not immediately anyway. I don’t enjoy the pain, I don’t like being unable to control my own body. What I do like is the sense of accomplishment when my partner puts a timer in front of me and hits me until I say stop, and I go longer than last time. What I like is the sense of ownership and control over my own body I feel when I see bruises on my ass the next day. I frequently cry when getting hit with various things, and although it’s sometimes cathartic, it’s not… sexually charged, in any way. It’s not that I don’t see our play as intimacy, I really do. But the headspace I’m in for sex and the headspace I’m in for submission aren’t always one and the same.

To have sex with someone, I need to be aware. I need to run through my mental checklist of all the things they like, and vary up my routine. Kiss here, pull there, lick here. I have to, and want to, focus on my partner and on their enjoyment and sensations. My enjoyment comes from their enjoyment, from our connection. I can’t be floating away on a flurry of sensations if I want to have any sort of decent connection with my partner. I need to be aware.

To submit to someone, that awareness needs to all but turn off. I can’t think about my partner too much, because I’ll begin to worry that they’re bored. Or not paying attention to me, and that I could get hurt. To properly submit to someone, to nearly guarantee a slide down into subspace, I need to close my eyes, focus on my breathing, and focus on the sensations of my body. The rope around my arms and ankles, the collar around my neck, the tension of a hand pulling my hair. The time I spend in subspace is precious, because it doesn’t happen all that often, and I feel guilty about it when it does. It means I don’t have to think. That’s rare for me. That’s why I submit.

Do other people get aroused during a scene? I wouldn’t call my reactions arousal. Sure, I’ll end up wet sometimes, but it’s not a guarantee, nor do I even want to have sex. All I feel during spankings is pain and heat and sting, not arousal. The benefits I get are all mental, and very delayed. Sometimes I get the biggest lift from a scene days later. I feel so accomplished when I feel bruises when I’m sitting at my office desk. It reminds me that even if I’m having a bad day at work, a poor body image day, or disagreeing with my partner, I can withstand discomfort and pain and my limits are much further than they think they are. It’s not sexual, for me. It never has been.

Is kink supposed to work like that?

I suppose it doesn’t really matter how kink is “supposed” to work. That’s kind of the beauty of it, right? You can tailor it to your needs. You can have it augment your mental health progress, you can use it as another form of intimacy with a partner, you can let it be introspective. A good spanking can be on par with therapy, sometimes.

I don’t really care how kink is supposed to work. I’ll just enjoy my time in subspace between strikes of a paddle.

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