Starting this month, I’ve decided to offer one monthly slot to a guest author in the sex blogging community! I’m really excited to get some more voices on this website, especially about things I may not be the best person to speak about, such as gender fluidity, trans issues, or very specific areas of kink I haven’t explored. This month, the ephemeral Kate Sloan (from the oft-linked Girly Juice site I talk about regularly) has written an amazing piece on DD/lg relationships. If you’re interested in writing for a monthly guest slot, let’s chat, but for now, let’s get to Kate’s wonderful piece.
Relationships are hard – and they get even harder when you add kink into the mix. The impeccable communication skills already called for by healthy relationships get even more intense when you’re also negotiating consensual power exchange. But this is usually a good thing: kink (if it’s your jam) can deepen intimacy, improve your communication, and teach you to value your desires more highly.
One of my main kinks is “DD/lg”: Daddy Dom/little girl roleplay, a form of ageplay. It’s a kink fraught with taboos: some people are convinced it has to do with real-life incest, even though for me and other ageplay enthusiasts I know, our IRL family members don’t enter into our minds at all when we play with these dynamics. Some critics also believe only someone with “daddy issues” would want to submit to a daddy dom, or that only abusers with control issues would want to dominate another person. There is also a prevalent belief that a daddy dom has to be male, or that the submissive in this type of dynamic has to be female. All these stereotypes are myths, so disregard ‘em already!
What sets DD/lg dynamics apart from more “traditional” kink dynamics is that they tend to be more gentle, loving, and nurturing. Of course, any form of kink can incorporate these qualities (you can totally love and nurture someone while you slap the shit out of them or tie them to a St. Andrew’s cross!), but DD/lg kink incorporates it explicitly and outwardly. There may be punishment and “violence” involved, but usually only with the understanding that it is for the submissive’s own good and/or pleasure.
While it can be great sexy fun to rush into calling someone “Daddy” and viewing them as such – or thinking of a new partner as your “little one” to be protected and cherished – there are a few questions you should consider before you officially enter this type of dynamic. Turn these questions over in your mind, discuss them with your partner(s), and figure out the answers – before problems have a chance to arise!
What names do you enjoy, and why? As the “daddy dom” moniker suggests, “Daddy” is the traditional honorific for the dominant in this type of relationship – but if it doesn’t do anything for you, or gives you weird feelings, you don’t have to use it. I know submissives who’ve called their benevolent dominants “Papa,” “Captain,” the ever-ubiquitous “Sir,” and various other names. This kink is more about the roles and archetypes involved than the names, so don’t feel the need to adhere to convention – come up with honorifics that work for you both.
Likewise, there are practically infinite names available to the submissive in this type of dynamic. I’m partial to “princess,” “babygirl,” and “little one”; I’ve known other subs whose daddies called them “kitten,” “bunny,” “sweetheart,” “little angel,” and various other diminutive pet names. Selecting these names together can be a bonding ritual in a new kink relationship, especially if you deliberately choose names that have deep significance to you, perhaps even names you agree not to use with other partners. Whatever names you choose, make sure you’re both excited about them!
How “little” are you? Ageplay runs a wide gamut: some people like to roleplay as babies, some as toddlers, some as elementary-school kids, some as teens, and some just take on a slightly brattier or more juvenile persona in kink scenes without really thinking of themselves as being younger.
Your ideal level of “littleness” will inform how your dynamic feels and what types of activities are involved, so it’s important you be more-or- less on the same page. If one partner wants to be a babbling six-year- old who gets corrupted, but the other partner feels thoroughly squicked out by that, then it’s not going to work. Likewise, if one partner’s fantasy relies on overpowering someone small and defenseless, they might not mesh with a submissive who prefers to embody a bratty, spunky 14-year- old. Talk about your fantasies, figure out what’s hot to you about them, and see if they match up!
How much day-to- day caretaking will be expected? While some people limit their DD/lg play to the bedroom, many others prefer it to pervade the whole relationship. This may involve the dominant taking care of the submissive in various ways and keeping them focused on their goals. It may also involve the submissive helping and serving the dominant, completing assigned tasks, and so on.
As with anything else in kink, it’s crucial to discuss boundaries and expectations before you launch into this type of play. Maybe it’s not realistic for the submissive to have to keep a journal of her daily sexual fantasies on top of her university courseload; maybe the dominant’s busy work schedule won’t enable him to send his sub thrice-daily texts reminding her to eat; maybe one or both partners don’t want the non-sexual parts of their relationship to be infused with power exchange in this way. No matter what your situation looks like, talk about your wants and needs rather than expecting your partner to read your mind.
How do you feel about punishment? This is a surprisingly contentious point in DD/lg circles, and in kink communities more broadly. Some people think a dominant punishing a submissive for their misdeeds is simply par for the course; others might find it distasteful to punish someone they love, no matter the context.
Personally, being punished makes me feel bad – as if I’ve actually angered or disappointed my dominant, rather than them just play-acting feeling that way. Sometimes I might request a punishment, if I feel I’ve screwed up in some area of my life and it would be cathartic to be “disciplined” for that. But mostly, intense activities like spanking and choking don’t feel like a punishment to me, because I enjoy them. They feel more like an intimate bonding experience, just like any other form of sex can be. These punishment semantics are important to hammer out before they become relevant in your relationship!
How will you each keep yourselves whole and balanced? Kink dynamics – especially full-time ones, which DD/lg relationships can be – can take a lot out of you emotionally. Granted, they can also replenish you, but you can’t expect them to fulfill all your emotional needs.
Think, in advance, about how each of you can amp up your self-care outside of your relationship so you can be your best selves for each other (and for yourselves!). Kink brings a lot to the surface, psychologically, so you might need to take better care of yourself than you’re used to: more journaling and self-reflection, more thoughtful alone time, more time with beloved friends, even better nutrition and hydration to restore your body’s equilibrium after intense kink scenes.
What you want to avoid is either partner getting “burnt out” and developing resentment toward the other person as a result. This can happen if either person feels overburdened and/or underappreciated in their role within the relationship. You can work to counteract this by maintaining open communication and just generally treating each other well, but you will also need to look outside the relationship for some of your psychological sustenance.
Have you ever experimented with DD/lg roleplay? Do you have any other tips for folks trying this dynamic for the first time?
Kate Sloan is a sex journalist, blogger, podcaster and speaker. She writes twice a week at her award-winning blog, Girly Juice, about sex, kink, relationships, style, and mental health. Her writing has appeared in outlets such as Teen Vogue, Glamour, and the Establishment. She also co-hosts a weekly podcast for sex nerds, The Dildorks, with her best friend Bex. When she’s not writing or podcasting, she’s usually playing the ukulele or gleefully masturbating.