Review: Zumio

When I opened the box to this toy, my boyfriend looked over and said, “Whoa, what the fuck is that”, echoing my sentiments about the Zumio.

I haven’t been in the toy review game too long, but this toy isn’t something that I’ve seen before. The Zumio rests in my hand a little bit like a pen, and the tip is meant for direct (and I do mean direct) clitoral stimulation. So if you don’t like direct, pinpoint stimulation, this won’t be the toy for you.

Let’s start with the toy itself before I start talking about some larger marketing issues.  

It’s not that I can’t get off with this toy; I can. It’s just… not that fun. It takes a lot of effort and maneuvering, and it’s not incredibly comfortable. Now, I like fairly direct clit stimulation. I like my Tango and Eroscillator. But this pinheaded thing? Not exactly the kind of material I want buzzing against my clit. I might like it if the tip were a little bigger and cushier. Right now it just feels like something stabby vibrating on top of my clit, the sexiness of which is debatable to me.

I do like that the intensities change to just increase in power, not change to patterns. I don’t like patterns, and I know either Lilly conducted an informal survey of vibrator users and their preference on patterns versus steady vibrations and found that the majority of people who responded felt similarly to me.

The charging stand is nice, and I appreciate that it came with a silky storage bag. The packaging wasn’t bad, very similar to the way We-Vibe packages their toys, the main difference being that the foam material that encased the Zumio started shedding instantly and got white foam dust everywhere. Not ideal.

The buttons are good and very easy to press, and the toy itself is pretty lightweight, making it optimal for anyone with hand or wrist mobility issues. I do wish the button to increase intensity was just a little further towards the back of the toy rather than toward the vibrating part, but it does leave the handle free to reduce accidental button-pressing. It also has a travel lock! That’s something I wish my Tango had. I’m taking it to Woodhull this year and I’m worried it will accidentally turn on in my suitcase! A risk I’m willing to take, I suppose.

Overall, I would really only recommend this toy to users who have experimented already and know that they like very direct stimulation, otherwise this toy will be a pain in the ass (or clit, as it were) to use.

Though the toy itself is fine, I do have some serious gripes with their marketing ploys. I know I’m not the only one either. Their website claims that 89% of people achieved orgasm in under 5 minutes. It fails to say how many people that number includes, or their preferences, or their experience with toys, or any other important factors.

63% achieved an orgasm in under 2 minutes? The numbers like this are my biggest complaint with the company. If you’re not coming in under a few minutes, you immediately think that you’re the problem, not the toy. Even I found myself thinking, “what am I doing wrong, this practically promised me instant orgasms!” even though I know that’s false.

The website even has a diagram so users can follow the “proven recipe for a 60 second quickie” as if users are guaranteed a 60 second orgasm. First of all, it’s impossible to promise that. Second, I don’t always want an orgasm that quickly! Let me enjoy my masturbatory adventure, damn it!

I have real problems with any toy company that has any sort of guarantee on how quickly, how often, or how intensely it can make anyone have an orgasm. People are too different, preferences too varied, in order to have any sort of a one size fits all toy. I don’t think companies should include any sort of stat that alienates anyone who doesn’t adhere to that number. It’s isolating, and can easily make users feel broken. Two thumbs down.

Right now, you can buy the Zumio through the company website, or through Amazon. I don’t recommend buying through Amazon since it’s a very good way to get stuck with a knockoff, but it looks like very few retailers are stocking this toy at the moment. There’s a company called Dallas Novelty that sells the Zumio for $140, though I haven’t heard anything  about them or purchased through them.

Thanks to Zumio for sending me this toy in exchange for my honest review!

5 thoughts on “Review: Zumio

  1. Such a great point as far as the orgasm in a minute or two promise, who wants to come that fast anyway? Maybe once and awhile that could be a perk but the majority of the time? Seems to be pushing not only the idea that orgasms are the end all be all of sexual experience but that it’s more of a utilitarian must get this done, thing to check off the do list. G-d forbid folks (especially people with clits!) actually enjoy their masturbation. It’s almost like pleasure is beside the point and it’s a rush to just get it done. That’s a really crappy ideal to be pushing at people too. Like I never really thought this all out (certainly have experienced and can relate to that “Well what’s wrong with me that I’m not coming quickly as promised!” thing) but it seems like even beyond that, there’s a whole lot of danger and misogyny and other issues with this premise. Like one more way we’re being told we shouldn’t enjoy our sexuality and should just be cranking out a quick orgasm to get it over with. Seems like it’s pushing the whole masturbation is shameful (and orgasms are a chore!) narrative.

    And good gosh that looks stabby. So stabby. And there’s a weird electric toothbrush aesthetic going on (even more so on the charging stand!

    1. YES! Orgasms shouldn’t be a chore! You’re definitely right about the toothbrush aesthetic. I’m sure someone is into that, but it’s not me.

  2. I agree with your disgust about the marketing. Nothing works for everyone, nothing. And nothing can guarantee an orgasm, lets alone tell you how long it should take. But I’m sad. I hoped this would be something like a “travel friendly” version of Eroscillator and that’s not what I’m reading.

    As for the shopping If I’m not wrong, in the product’s web page they don’t sell it directly but through Amazon (.ca or .com). And I think princess previews reviewed it for the Australian shop JouJou.

    1. Yes, you’re correct, they do just direct users to Amazon, don’t they! I was hoping it would be similar to the Eroscillator as well, but no dice. Maybe if it had a broader attachment, like that fingertip/marshmallow one that Eroscillator offers.

  3. With Eroscillator I tend to use the harder tips (cockscomb , ball and cup) and in my experience using the tip of the 7 pearls one is mind blowing… so maybe there’s still some hope for me with this one. I’ll wait until there are some more reviews available and (above all) till I can buy it through a European store.

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