Note: In a somewhat more stream-of-consciousness post, I’m going to talk a lot about Dominant/submissive power exchanges, along with some guilt and anxiety I have around these topics. If you’d rather not read, feel free to skip to one of my other more recent posts!
In terms of kink, I’ve known I skewed submissive for years. Since before high school, at least. Service has always appealed, praise has always made me tingle, and the idea of belonging to someone has always melted me into goo. So why is it that when I finally have the opportunity, I feel like I’m doing a shit job at it?
I feel like I’m too willful. Too resistant to being owned, to being told what to do. Whenever I’m given an order, my stomach tightens and I immediately protest. “I don’t need to be told what to do!” I say. But I do. I want to, anyway. When we consider protocols, I can’t focus on them. I think, “Well, what if I can’t do that one day? Or what if he doesn’t even notice? Or what if I hate it? Or what if…” It’s a never ending cycle.
I worry that my desire to serve isn’t a actually desire to serve, but a desire to be noticed and be praised. That feels… insincere, almost. Like I have ulterior motives. I should want to make my dominant’s life easier, right? Not just do it for the sake of selfish attention.
I see these interactions on Twitter, couples that display my kink relationship goals. The sub proclaims their devotion, and the dominant thanks them for their unfaltering service. They’re silly together and have fights and eat tacos on Tuesday nights, but they have protocols and rules and accountability. Their roles seem to be strictly delineated… at least that’s how it appears on Twitter, which is only what they choose to post. And I know that. But it doesn’t help.
I read blog posts about other s-types who seem to get true, deeply fulfilling enjoyment out of servitude, whether sexual or domestic. Folks who take their punishments willingly when they know they’ve messed up, or just because their top is in the mood.
Maybe it’s an issue of trust, I think. Maybe I’m just not letting go. It’s important to me that I maintain my sense of self, and maybe I don’t know how to do that while abiding by protocols or knowing a punishment is on its way, however mild it may be.
Maybe it’s a little bit of fear, too. What if I end up hating everything? How do I then categorize myself? I don’t have a dominant or toppy bone in my body, but if I hate submitting outside the bedroom, where does that leave me? Intellectually, I know it’s entirely possible to just be submissive during sex, but I want more than that. I just don’t know how to get it.
I feel selfish. I feel pulled in two different directions. In one direction, legitimate submission, giving up some of my time and energy for my dominant. In the other, my sense of individualism, my autonomy, my ability to cut myself some slack if I’m having a particularly low day and can’t do something I had planned.
I can’t really deny with any authenticity that I don’t feel better when I have my collar on, whether it’s my everyday symbolic necklace or my legitimate Aslan Leather purchase. But I also can’t deny the tightness I feel in my stomach when confronted with the realities of complete, or at least more-encompassing, submission.
I just don’t know how to reconcile those two things.