Square Peg, Round Hole: On Pegging, Submission, and Asexuality

square peg round hole: on pegging, submission, and asexuality

The first time I slipped into a strap on harness, I was in a hotel room with a guy I met from the internet. He had confided that getting fucked in the ass by a girl with a strap on was the pinnacle of his sexual fantasies, and he was convinced that he wouldn’t get to try it in the context of a “normal relationship” (whatever that meant) so he took to the internet.

It was quick and tactless and sloppy but boy was he into it.

The second time I slipped into a strap on harness, I was in a hotel room with a guy I met from the internet. But we had been dating for a while, so it was a very different context. He was very into femdom, although I didn’t really know what to do with that information at the time.

It was graceless and clumsy and awkward but boy was he into it.

The thing was, I didn’t get any sexual pleasure from pegging someone. I saw it as more of a service, and always had a cloud of anxiety floating in the back of my skull: Was I going to fast? Too slow? What if the harness didn’t fit my fat body? What if I made him come too fast? What if he didn’t come at all? I certainly knew I wouldn’t get off. 

I tried to frame it as a service-based act. But it was hard to see a typically toppy act as something subby, especially when my partner was submissive through-and-through as well. I didn’t really know how to explain my own submissiveness to myself, much less articulate it for partners. (I was young, leave me alone.)

I don’t know if I’d still be into pegging, if I was really into it at all. I liked making my partners feel good, but my enjoyment really ended there.

Is that an asexual thing? If it’s an asexual thing, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I should have known early on that something was different about me, but I didn’t really realize that other people felt other things? I mean, story of my life when it comes to Sexuality Feelings.

Is that a submissive thing? Can other subs do a little mental gymnastics and see a traditionally toppy activity as still submissive?

I feel exceptionally high-maintenance when I say I don’t like pegging unless it falls under very specific circumstances. I want to still be subby, I don’t want to worry whether the harness will fit, I want my partner to tell me what to do. I want a really sparkly cock. It makes me feel like a princess, and not in a good way. (Although I do love being a princess, I don’t want to be seen as more effort than I’m worth. #selfesteemissues.)

I wonder if other folks, particularly submissive-leaning cis women, get any enjoyment out of pegging that’s more than just making their partner feel good. Tell me about your experiences in the comments!

 

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